In our journey with our loved ones on the spectrum, we often encounter moments that can catch us off-guard – times when our children’s reactions don’t correspond to what we think is going on, puzzling us with their unexpected timing. Let’s explore this through Lucas’s recent experiences.
An Hour Later: The Haircut Reflection
We were sat at the dining table when suddenly Lucas started crying and asked for a “squeeze”. It totally caught me by surprise. Something was distressing him, and I didn’t know what.
Fortunately, I had been with him the whole morning, so I had an inkling. Lucas had had a haircut just an hour before. We’ve come a long way since the days of when Lucas freaked out about haircuts. It started with his first haircut as a toddler when he screamed and cried. There were a couple of years where we couldn’t step foot in a hairdresser, and I used to cut his hair in his sleep. We worked with our ABA therapist and introduced the hairdresser step by step with visuals, practice, reinforcements and more.
Nowadays, he genuinely seems ok to sit there with his iPad whilst the barber does his magic. However, there’s a limit. He’s not keen on being sprayed with water nor having his hair dried with the hairdryer but he puts up with it. We always ask him first and he said yes otherwise we wouldn’t do it. But still it might have been a bit too much.
And now, an hour later at the dining table, he was expressing his discomfort. You don’t always get an immediate reaction which is why it’s so common for kids to come home from school and throw tantrums, shout, or get angry. It’s a form of “masking”, pretending everything’s ok at the time and then when they are comfortable, letting it all come out.
Some of us know this as the “Coke Bottle Effect”. The shaking so to say is what happens at the barber or school, and when the child comes home, the screw top is opened.
A Day Later: The Unsettling Surprise of Early Guests
We were expecting guests on Saturday. Lucas had stayed at my parents on Friday night. That Saturday, our guests arrived just before Lucas did. From the moment Lucas stepped in the door, something was off.
“Who are these people and why are they in my house?”
I could see it written over his face and he sat down at his computer and started to get upset, even throwing a plushie across the room. I knew immediately that he needed some quiet time, so my husband took him up to his room for some peace and quiet whilst we started lunch.
Our guests were understanding and acknowledged that their presence before Lucas’s arrival might have been the trigger. This is life and we can’t always predict everything. It took some down time, but eventually, Lucas was ready to re-join us.
“The boy and the girl were here. There were a lot of people”
The next day, he came out with these sentences. It was him processing that our guests were in our home before he was. It was his way of expressing himself and telling us it was unexpected.
Embracing Patience and Understanding
The range of responses to stress or discomfort can be varied, and the timing of these responses can be equally diverse.
When we change our perspective from viewing behaviours as challenging to viewing them as responses to our children being in distress, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding.
It’s important to assure our children that we are there for them, ready to listen and help, whenever it is they are ready to share, be it immediately, an hour later, a day later or even longer.
I would love to hear your stories about unexpected reactions or timings, please share them with me too.
If you are struggling with something and would like my help, book a complimentary call with me now.