When Words Fail Us
“Sometimes, I’m just blocked and can’t seem to say anything…”
Does this sound familiar? I recently worked with a client who struggled to voice her thoughts to her partner, especially during conflicts. Despite her professional success and leadership role, she felt transported back to being a 6-year-old —feeling small and silent before an strict and demanding father. This is a common thread among many: the echoes of our past shaping our present.
The Imprint of the Past
Our formative experiences often etch deep imprints on our subconscious mind, which is timeless in its nature. Our subconscious mind acts as a protector, steering us away from pain and criticism—resulting in patterns of behaviour that may show up again and again in our adult selves until we can resolve them.
Where can it stem from?
- Authority; The challenge may stem from speaking to perceived superiors—whether it’s senior management or societal pillars like judges, tax authorities, police, or doctors.
- People pleasing; The fear of conflict or disappointing others can stifle our voices, leading us to sidestep confrontation.
- Fitting in; We all want to belong. If we say something that makes us stand out in a negative way, that could have undesirable consequences.
- Cultural Dynamics: Cultural narratives, such as the British “stiff upper lip” or the Asian difficulty with saying “no,” particularly to elders, influence our expressiveness.
- Gender and other stereotypes; Whilst there have been many advances with gender, there are still remnants from the past. For example, outspoken women can be seen as “bossy” whereas men seen as “assertive”.
- Playing it safe; By remaining silent, you’re not rocking the boat, upsetting anyone, embarrassed, stand out unnecessarily, criticized, attract trolls….
What happens if you don’t speak up?
Initially, there may be feelings of disappointment and annoyance with yourself for not speaking up. These can compound and slowly, you can lose your voice as it becomes more and more difficult to speak up. Unless these feelings are processed, you may find yourself acting in strange and unexpected ways, exploding at something simple (classic straw on a camel’s back).
If you don’t speak up, you can lose opportunities, visibility, self-worth, respect from others and from yourself which can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem and even depression.
It’s better to speak up….
Steps to Finding Your Voice
- Awareness: Recognize the moments when you hold back. Observe the patterns. Is it a specific person, place, time, or topic that triggers your silence?
- Reflection: Journal your thoughts. What are the memories or fears lurking behind your hesitation?
- Engage with Your Subconscious: Have a direct conversation with your fears. Reassure them of the value and importance of your voice.
- Self-Compassion: Plan your approach. Start with less daunting conversations and build from there. Be kind to yourself.
The Path Ahead
Realizing where and why you hesitate to speak up is a significant step forward. If this is a pattern that you are familiar with, be kind to yourself and take the time you need to address it. It doesn’t have to be solved in an instant and can be taken step by step.
On this occasion. I worked with my client using hypnotherapy to find out why she was clamming up. She was able to see the root of why she was finding it so difficult to make her voice heard. She noticed it has become easier to say what is on her mind and she is standing up for herself in other areas besides speaking to her partner.
If this is a topic that you struggle with and you have questions or would like help, please feel free to contact me on a complimentary discovery call.
It’s safe for you to speak up.